Conquering the Vile Earwig, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Siberian Winters

July 14, 2011

Freaky

Last night, I rolled over in bed and was suddenly struck on the leg in pain. A bite! It felt like a hornet’s sting, yow! The thing swelled up to about the size of a quarter and hurt like the dickens. The hubs and I looked everywhere for the malicious critter that had inflicted the bite, but we found nothing. I had a mighty restless night knowing there was an evil, faceless bug lurking beneath my sheets. :cwy: I tried to remain calm, but visions of brown recluse spiders and necrosis kept flashing through my brain.

Frantic with entomophobia this morning, I ripped off the sheets with a flurry in an early morning search of the intruder. I found him. An earwig. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:run:
It was hiding in the folds of my husband’s pillow, camouflaged well with the dark green pillowcase. At first, I panicked a little…. the monster was *THIS* close to the place on the pillow where my husband rested his head — close to my husband’s jugular vein! *breathe breathe breathe* … then I came to my senses in a blinding rush of sanity. Quickly, I grabbed a tissue to squish him…… and…  HE. WAS. GONE. Holy cow! How do these things move so fast?!

I ripped everything apart– pillows, pillow cases, coverlet, everything– and — Oh, HEY! I found a hairband, a few of Livvy’s toys, a couple nickels, and a few missing twins to my husband’s favorite socks in there! I’ve been wondering where they went to, gee….!

Oh, but THEN I saw him. Muahahahaha!

*pop*

Oh that wonderfully satisfying sound of an insect’s exoskeleton bursting it contents (my son is doing biology right now, and it’s sadistically satisfying to use all those technical terms to contribute to the demise of one of the most hated creatures on earth). Death, at last. I cackled with sheer victorious ecstasy — a little too loudly because one of the kids in the other room groaned and rolled over in bed.

What is it with earwigs in Central Upstate New York, anyway? I used to live near Lake Oneida, and never saw any earwigs. When I moved here, I saw them EVERYWHERE. On the clotheslines, in the patio furniture, under boards, beneath trash cans… and in beds. *shudder* Has there been some explosion in the earwig population since the 1970s? And why aren’t they considered a “federal noxious bug” by the United States Government?! I consider this much more lethal than that paltry hogweed problem. My leg is still smarting from the nasty sting, it feels like it’s on fire.

I hate earwigs. They are ugly, they move fast, and they like dark, moist places (whereas I prefer light, dry places). They inflict a very nasty sting and while Livvy and the dogs will chase after ants and houseflies and moths, they won’t go anywhere near an earwig.

I don't know about you, but my legs are suddenly Jell-o.....

Well, chalk up the entire experience as ANOTHER reason why I hate summer and love winter. In winter, there are NO BUGS. And the bugs we have here don’t grow into the size of dinner plates, like southern bugs. I love sub-zero temperatures, just LOVE them. As the thermometer drops lower and lower and all my neighbors are complaining about their blackening limbs and noses, I am relishing the fact that the bug eggs are all dying. Yes, those fruitless summertime endeavors by adult bugs — all gone in a glorious season of frigidity and snow! Yay, winter! Bring it on!

 

Backyard Snow2

Can you hear it?! All those baby bugs screaming in algific agony?! MUAHAHHAHA!!!!

 

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9 Responses to “Conquering the Vile Earwig, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Siberian Winters”

  1. blueyes Says:

    There should be a warning label somewhere at the beginning of the post “contains pics” lol

    That’s nasty and I had something similar when a water bug crawled up my leg while I was in bed a couple years ago which prompted the buying of PJ’s and just last month I had a tick crawling on me while I had my PJ’s on! It was in the pants section – I had just done laundry and the washer/dryer is in an outside room off the back porch with the water heater and breaker box.

    • Rebecca Says:

      I wanted the pictures to portray the same element of “shock and awe” that I experienced this morning. I see it did the trick! Hahahahahaahha!!!!!

  2. BigD Says:

    Ick-city!
    I can completely relate–only my creature is worms!
    Can’t stand them.
    But, at least they don’t bite!

  3. lin Says:

    I didn’t think they bite. Hmmm….never had a bite from them. My husband HATES those things and no, ‘hate’ is not too strong a word. They don’t bother me much. I don’t like centipedes or spiders though. Blech!

    I don’t remember seeing earwigs when I was a kid, but I do remember lots of caterpillars that we don’t see now. Maybe earwigs are the new ‘caterpillars’.

  4. Karen Says:

    OMG! That is awful!

  5. Renee Says:

    Twenty-two years in Chemung County and six in Western New York and I don’t think I ever saw one. I see them all the time down here, but they look different than that picture and I don’t think they bite. Thankfully, I’ve never found one in my bed.

  6. Secondary Roads Says:

    I don’t live in the north for the winters. I merely tolerate that part of the year. Fortunately, it’s not so bad now that I don’t have to get out in nasty weather. 🙂

  7. Rena Says:

    Ugh!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

    I hate bugs too, gross!! I flipped out the other night
    when there was a huge mosquito in our bedroom. It looked like
    a daddy long leg!!! I was freaking out like a child. My husband had
    to kill it because it started coming near me when I was
    spraying it (with Lanacaine spray, the closet thing to grab lol).
    The darn thing should have been paralyzed but of course it
    wasn’t and it was coming to get me!!!

    I hate all kinds of bugs, ewwwww. However, I may tolerate
    small spiders if I have other bugs in the house that I know
    the spiders will eat up (like flies etc).

    Ok I am getting the heebee jeebees now talking about this!!

    I am going to run outside in the street now and scream
    my head off while brushing off imaginary bugs!!!

    LOL

  8. Rob Wells Says:

    That was not a mosquito. It was a mosquito bomber…they eat mosquitos and are a good thing!