Creepy iPhone Apps

December 13, 2011

Freaky, Trends

We’ve all heard the lavish, glorious praises of the iPhone. But what about the “dark side” of the apps out there? If you have stayed up late, pondering what evil lurks in the App Store, wonder no more. I have done the legwork for you, peeps. I’ve cut out the perverted and the obscene because I’m a nice person and I don’t want to COMPLETELY repel all my readers. After doing some fact checking, some of these apps are no longer available (gee, wonder why), but I include them here just to show you how low humans and technology can go. Without further adieu, here are the Top Ten Creepiest iPhone/iPad/iPod apps, according to moi.

Disclaimer (*sigh*): Just so you know, my comments here are my OPINIONS and are not reviews of any of these apps. This post is in good fun with a sprinkling of common sense mixed in. If you have no sense of humor and are offended easily, you probably want to stop right now and go visit Elmo’s website or Dora the Explorer or something. :mrgreen: thank you.

10. Stalqer
I don’t know if this app is available anymore. I looked in the App Store and couldn’t find it. Maybe Apple removed it for, um, obvious reasons… read on…

Stalqer is an app that shows you the current location of your Facebook friends. The ADDRESS location. Like, if your buddy Henry is two blocks away, the app will display Henry’s face and report that Henry is currently at 123 Main Street right now. And the worst part? Others can track you in real time, without your specific Stalqer approval. You don’t have to approve or “opt in” to Stalqer to get on someone’s stalking list– all you need to be is friends with someone on Facebook. Stalqer tracks your location every time you check your email on your phone.

… Yeah, it’s gone. I checked the Stalqer website and the domain is up for sale.

I just have a little question about this…. Stalqer worked because it pulled location data from Facebook locations, so…. even though Stalqer is gone, why does Facebook still track us?

9. MirrorMe
As if we don’t have enough to worry about with global nuclear annihilation, global bankers taking over the world economies, and those holiday pounds we need to shed, there’s MirrorMe. This app shows you what your corpse will look like! How’s that for classy, huh? You can enter in data every day, like how many greasy bacon cheeseburgers you eat, how little sleep you get, how often you get stoned or drunk, and how much you worry about your hangnails… MirrorMe will tabulate all the data and produce an image of what you’ll look like as you age and your death image when you keel over. Some people market this as one of those “this is a good app to make you more aware of your choices.” If people need to see what their DEATH will look like before they make good choices, Lord help them. P.S. People actually paid MONEY for this app. :blink:

8. iFart
I know I really don’t need to elaborate with any explanation on this app. The name says it all: “I’m a moron.” You can choose what “type” of…. *ahem* noise you want to make (Brown Mosquito, Bombadier, and Bye Granny, and The Muffler are just a few of the classiest selections). This app is actually 99 cents in the App Store. It has 21963 Ratings. šŸ˜• Unbelievable.

7. Virtual Girlfriend
Not considerate, sensitive or friendly enough to get a real girlfriend? Why bother when there’s the Virtual Girlfriend app! I imagine that the smart guys who have to buy this app had previously purchased creepy app #8….. This app creates a hot babe, a “virtual girlfriend.” Actually, there are a whole bunch of these types of apps at the App Store. What the heck?! Anyway, this app allows you to pick and choose your girl’s best features (next best thing to plastic surgery, I guess). The image will appear on your iPhone screen. You can then place your iPhone on your pillow at night and gaze into her lifeless eyes as she “gently breathes.” JUST.TOO.WEIRD.

6. Love is Not Abuse
This app, supposedly to *help* teenagers realize the dangers of bad relationships, actually does a great job creeping you out. It’s marketed for parents and “simulates the abuse that many teens endure in their dating relationships.” All day and all night on a constant basis, you can throw a “Freaky Friday” moment on yourself and get texts, emails and phone calls from a virtual abusive boyfriend or girlfriend. Yay.

In all seriousness, I realize this app has good intentions: to make parents aware of the stressful lives that dating teens face. But I have an even better idea: don’t let your kids date! Who was the jerk who invented teen dating, anyway?! I once heard a very wise lady say that “nothing good ever comes from teen dating.” I agree. I was a teen, once, so I remember. I don’t think kids need to “practice love” before they get married. For thousands of years, parents have kept a strict watch on their kids’ friends and relationships and it’s really only been the past 40 years that teens have been allowed enormous freedoms. I haven’t seen any benefit, and as a matter of fact it appears that relationship interactions have tanked lower and lower ever since…..

5. Annoy-a-Teen
This app actually doesn’t look too bad…. I MEAN– er, terrible, terrible! This app emits very high frequency pitches at varying pulses or tempos that only teens can allegedly hear. I did hear some of the sounds. Check out the video I found and see if you can hear any of the sounds.

I could see a good use for this app, yes.

4. Creepy Dolls
If creepy app #7 doesn’t appeal to you, maybe try this one. This app allows you to create images of various girls’ dolls– you know, the “Mama” kind of Chuckie doll — and add grotesque and disgusting features like fake teeth, creepy skin coloring, and more. oooooooooooooooooooooook. :wazzat:

3. iVomit
Here’s another winner from the App Store, yes indeedy. You can select various “flavors” and “textures” and away you go. I wonder if there’s a bulk discount if you get this app and end up having to get creepy app #7, as they would seem to go hand in hand….

2. Creepy
Well, at least they’re honest. The app is aptly named. Creepy uses your photo data from Twitter and Flickr to pinpoint your location. Called a “geolocation information aggregator,” Creepy creates a full-fledged map history of where you’ve been. Didn’t you know that your camera harvests your location data when you snap that photo? Yes, indeed! Flickr and Twitter harvest it; Creepy just shows it. Regular digital cameras AND smartphone cameras collect the geolocation of every photo you take. Gee, it’s amazing what these nifty little devices can do, isn’t it?

1. Carrier IQ
Carrier IQ is not an app. Oh, it’s in the smartphones. Like the Hotel California, you can check in any time you want, but you can never leave. Carrier IQ is a rootkit, a secret software program that stealthily records your activity on the smartphone and uploads that data. I blogged about it on my tech blog, The iPhone allows you to turn it off (so they say), but Android users are screwed. Even when you “opt out” of data logging, it never logs you out. Nobody knows who is mining all this data and what its purpose is. Now THAT’S CREEPY.

Well, folks, don’t thank me! It’s my pleasure to help you decide what apps to avoid!

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