The Dodge Wimpy 2009

February 28, 2010

Fun, Rants

I was searching my old posts for a photo to use for my latest post about the Subaru Outback, and found this post in my archives. I must have had a long day when I wrote this; I almost spit out my coffee, re-reading it. LOL! So I thought I’d re-post it. So you can spit out your coffee, too.

WHY do they make big cars with wimpy car horns, and little cars with beefy car horns? I think it’s unfair discrimination, and I propose staging a protest.

You see, I used to have a Chevy Nova. Nothing compares with my beloved old Chevy Nova. It was a beautiful car.

[insert patriotic music and flag waving here]

nova-ick

UGH NO NO NO not THAT kind of Chevy Nova. My Nova was a new and improved Chevy Nova, when it was new and improved back then. 1988. A great year for Chevy Novas.

That’s more like it. Nice, eh? šŸ˜€

nova-nice

I loved that car. *sob*

But it was a “compact” car, not suited for four infants with four bloated car seats. Believe me, I tried squeezing all that plastic in the back. But I had to exchange my beloved Nova for a minivan. I couldn’t take the stress anymore– every time a policeman drove by, it was “DUCK, KIDS!” And then, Hillary Clinton became our senator and one of her first actions was to rabidly enforce the seatbelt laws. I was afraid, very afraid. So YES it’s Hillary’s fault that I had to get rid of my compact car.

I miss that car. The gas mileage was soooo good. And the Chevy Nova was built to last: it had a durable and efficient Toyota engine, and a hard-as-nails Chevrolet body. And, best of all, it had a honking-loud honker. It was perfect! I had to refrain myself from using it too much. Here comes the nasty teenage driver to cut me off? WHOOOOOOOONK! yes!!!! The villanous driver, stunned by the spectacular audial display of my air-siren horn, meekly wobbles off and away. Glorious.

Fast-forward ten years. I’ve got a Dodge Grand Caravan, stuffed to the gills with little kids, car seats, glass jars, three dozen eggs, a mirror, and a couple of hammers hanging around. Yeah. (A little creative license there, but you know what I mean). We are all happily singing sing-along songs and munching Cheerios while strapped into the car seats, singing Hillary’s praises for enforcing the seatbelt laws (make that a LOT of creative license here).

Here comes a middle-aged driver in his monster SUV (probably the teenager’s father, for all I know, come to seek revenge now that I no longer have the defensive advantage). He comes barreling down the highway at amazing speed; once a pinpoint in my rearview mirror, in two seconds, he is breathing down my license plate and reading my kids’ t-shirt tags. I, careful driving mother that I am (I even had a few “Baby on Board” suction signs back then), refuse to go one point over the speed limit. He narrowly misses brushing my back bumper and yanks his monster into the passing lane. He sneers as he glances over. I smile smugly, thinking I’ll blast yet another unsuspecting victim with my air-siren horn! Take THIS, you SUV monster! wheeeeeeeeeeeet.

What the?! I spend twice the amount of money for a Dodge Grand Caravan, and all it can squeeze out is a wheeeeeeeeeeeet ?! I hung my head in shame as the SUV arrogantly whizzed by. And as icing on the cake, the man blows his SUV horn at me: WHOOOOOOOONK!

*cries*

I no longer have a voice. My vehicle is like, Minnie Mouse or Tiny Tim or something! Aughhh!

So will someone please tell me why minivans have such lame, insipid horns?! Cuz, if I ever needed one, I need it now!

Photos courtesy of Chevy High Performance, How Stuff Works, Auto Barn.

, , ,

11 Responses to “The Dodge Wimpy 2009”

  1. Caroline Says:

    perhaps its so you don’t wake the sleeping babies in the back of the car.

    I actually have no idea.

  2. Julie Says:

    Lovers of classic cars everywhere are crying. You can buy a megaphone and just roll your window down and shout. Wouldn’t that be fun?

  3. Carole Says:

    Oh man, tell me about it. I drive a “big bad truck” and it has a totally lame horn too. I joke to DH that I’m going to replace it with a 18 wheeler’s horn! Or the Dukes of Hazzard General Lee’s horn. I feel your pain.

  4. The Hawg! Says:

    Got your solution. When I was in high school, I had a 1955 Chevrolet Bel-Air. The thing came with these incredibly loud, twin air horns. It was great — 4,200 pounds of American steel and a horn that would frighten people.

    Get a set of those horns and replace that wimpy junk you’re suffering with now. You’ll be stylin’ like Stalin.

  5. Rebecca Says:

    Some great ideas here! Thanks a lot!

    You know, I kind of like the idea of the Dukes of Hazzard kind of horn. Just NO “Dixie”!! I live in New York and I don’t want to be the lady with the Confederate horn! Maybe something like… “Hail to the Chief”? “God Save the Queen”?

  6. Kim Says:

    LOL! I met a guy like that once! In my twenties, I was out at a restaurant with a couple of friends. We were hoping the good-looking waiter would come to our table. He did! He was a rugged, classically awesome looking guy. A bit muscular, tall….then he proceeded to ask us if we were ready for him to take our drink order….in a voice like Minnie Mouse!

  7. Mommy Mia Says:

    When they came out with the “New Beetles” in 1998-my mom got one and we were all excited thinking how cool it was going to be to be able to toot the VW horn. Boy, were we in for a surprise! It was so LOUD!! Needless to say we were very disappointed in the big loud horn when we actually wanted the little meep meep horn. But we had a blast in that car! I wonder who makes these decisions? We need to teach them a few things!! LOL!
    Thrifty Thoughts,
    Mommy Mia’s World,
    Mia’s Motivation &
    Mia’s Menu Mania

  8. Secondary Roads Says:

    Tuned truck horns. You know you want them. You’ll be the envy of every mini-van-driving mom in town.

  9. Rebecca Says:

    Chuck– TRUCK HORNS! Yeah! Great idea!

  10. Renee Says:

    Absolutely hysterical post!
    I have an idea for you… When the horn wouldn’t work anymore on my minivan we went to a “U-Pull-It” and started looking for a horn. We found a horn someone had installed with a button next to the steering wheel. (Apparently it’s difficult to fix a horn by going through all those connections.) It was exactly the solution we needed. It worked, too, but it sounded like a bus horn! It was terribly loud and obnoxious. I never used it. (Didn’t want to scare people!) But the van passed inspection! LOL šŸ™‚

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. My New Car!!! Woohoo! | Freaky Frugalite - October 17, 2012

    […] the horn on the Hyundai is HONKING LOUD! I’m a freak about horns. I live near a metropolitan area, with lots of crazed college kids and/or geriatrics on the road. […]