Why Doctors Need Me For a Transcriptionist

February 26, 2009


I’ve been looking for work, perhaps doing proof-reading, editing, writing, or working as a medical transcriptionist. Most jobs are asking for Bachelor’s degrees, of which I haven’t! It’s a crying shame, because my English grammar is quite perfunctory (I’m a bloggin’ Mary Poppins, I tell ya), and my spelling skills are superb. But because I didn’t go to college, they won’t even look at me twice. :-p

Perhaps I should send these doctors some proof that they need my skills. Their own secretaries don’t seem to pulling their share of the load. Look at this!

    These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow:

  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
  • Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  • Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock roker instead.
  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Hat tip to Lady Banana for posting it. Funny!

So, while medical secretaries are high on the humor element, and they may be good at ordering golf or pool supplies,  it SURELY looks like some physicians need some transcription assistance! Hey Doc! I’m over HERE!!


5 Responses to “Why Doctors Need Me For a Transcriptionist”

  1. Tessie Says:

    Well, in the meantime why don’t you think about going back to school? You don’t have to go full-time, either. It’s true that sometimes the only thing that gives one job candidate an edge over another is that college diploma. So what if it takes a long time to do? One thing’s for sure – time will pass. Why not have college degree to show for it? Good luck on the job hunt. Feel free to stop in at my own frugal blog, ideasforfrugalliving.com. -Tessie the Frugal Lady

  2. Patricia Says:

    Hey, I get the humor in all of them except the one about being constipated until you get divorced. Believe me, I get that one.

  3. akaGaGa Says:

    My stomach hurts from laughing so hard!!! rofl!!!

    But I wouldn’t blame it on the transcriptionists. The doctor’s are the ones who made these statements – and they’ve got the college degrees! Isn’t that a scary thought!

  4. Jan from BetterSpines Says:

    You really need to get out and get that job! Those of us who are literate are screaming with laughter, and the other 80% of the population are saying “What the … ?”

  5. Sher Says:

    Hi Rebecca,
    This is so funny! It made a great start to my reading it! Thanks for sharing and have a great day!
    Sher :0)